girls are beautiful and lovely i thank the lord for girls every day
-A Barnes & Noble cashier, to me, today.
But it doesn’t matter because I GOT TO WALK INTO A STORE AND BUY MY BOOK BECAUSE IT WAS ON A SHELF in the “History” section which is, frankly, VERY irresponsible and then after that I BOUGHT SHOES which is unrelated I’m just really bad about buying shoes like I always think WHY SHOULD I BUY SHOES because like I already HAVE SHOES but most of my shoes have HOLES now so I bit the bullet and BOUGHT SOME SHOES that PROBABLY SOMEONE’S BABY MADE or whatever but it’s fine I’m pretty DELIRIOUS RIGHT NOW and I still have to wave this book at this foxy coffee shop barista I see everyday and say ‘I took all the words I know and put them in an order that I hope makes you love me but if not that’s fine I have other word-arrangements I could try out on you large iced-coffee to go please, as well, also.’(via thisdanobrien)
You were wise to come to me for dating advice. The most important thing in a relationship is communication (I’ve expanded on this point in chapters six and seven in my new book How to Fight Presidents, available everywhere books are sold). The SECOND most important thing in a relationship is making sure your genitals fit in a way that is pleasing to you (both). Also your dog needs to like this person, that’s important, and if you don’t have a dog break up with whomever you’re dating and adopt a dog and then realize you don’t need anyone because your dog was the soulmate you were looking for this whole time.
YES! Science, am I right!?!? Cracked made me feel very special today.